How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you were?

Earlier this year, my roommate and I decided to sign up to run Bay to Breakers. For those of you not from the bay area, Bay to Breakers is a 12K run starting near Embarcadero (Bay) and ending at the Great Highway near the ocean (Breakers). For those of you from the bay area, you know that this race is really just an excuse to dress up in ridiculous costumes, get drunk, and party all day.

So why did we decide to pay to run this when most people just partake in the debauchery? We thought it would motivate us to get in shape, but I guess spending $50 isn’t enough of an incentive. Unfortunately, my roommate wasn’t able to join me since he’s in Tokyo for work, so Shelley took his place.

I think my total training for this run was one outing with my old roommate and two 3 mile runs last week while I was home in Florida. Needless to say, I was pretty worried I would even be able to finish. I decided to make some mental rules to try to motivate me to the finish line:

  1. I’m not allowed to run slower than the following people, otherwise it’s just embarrassing: nude men, fatties, people in full suit costumes, dudes in tutus (unless they looked like actual runners) and anyone blowing a vuvuzela.
  2. Gotta run up Hayes Hill. It sucks, but if I get it over with fast I can walk at the top.
  3. No music until mile 3. My roommate never let me listen to music when we ran together, but we also never ran further than 3 miles.
  4. Only walk once. It’s all downhill past mile 5.

Here’s how the race went down in my head:

Start

I had signed my roommate and I up for Corral B, which is for runners who average an 8-9 min mile. Apparently I was pretty optimistic about our training when I signed us up for that group. Shelley and I decide to hang back with Corral D, which makes me feel a bit more comfortable since we will be running with Gumbi and a bunch of girls dressed as snow globes. We hang out at the start for around an hour, check out all the costumes, and watch tortillas fly through the air.

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Mile 1

So far so good. I’m not huffing and puffing like I thought I would be at this point and the crowd lining the road is motivating me. It could also be that we are probably running at an 11min mile pace. I spot a group of guys running in full bear costumes, can’t let them outrun me (Rule #1).

Mile 2

Still feeling good, and picking up the pace now that I’m getting warmed up. I’m finding it difficult to actually keep a steady pace since I’m weaving around people walking. Don’t they know there was a group for those type of participants? Now I see Shelley taking some candid photos of me from behind, probably for her Instagram post later. I spot my first nude guy, gotta pass him (Rule #1).

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We turn slightly onto Hayes and I see the hill. It’s packed with people and doesn’t look like it’s going to be much fun. I see some people dressed as salmon “swimming upstream” against all the runners.

Mile 3

This hill really sucks. I’ve run the hill outside of Shoreline Amphitheater multiple times with my roommate so I should be able to do this. Again, people are walking all over the pace making it hard for me to stay in my mental zone. There are people lining the road having a huge block party and all I want to do is stop running and party the rest of the day. I make it to the top and have to walk (Rule #2). My chest is pounding and I can barely breathe. I really wish I would’ve trained for this.

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Mile 4

It’s time to put my headphones in and listen to some music (Rule #3). Hopefully I can space out and the next three miles will be a blur. I can already tell people have dropped off the race to party in Alamo Square for the rest of the day. I think I need to add another type of person Rule #1: anyone wearing USC and Michigan gear.

Yung Wun’s “Tear it up” comes up on my playlist and all I can think about it is the movie Drumline starring Nick Cannon

Mile 5

I snap out of my Nick Cannon day dream at a bottleneck and figure we must be coming up on mile marker 6, but unfortunately it’s only mile 5. My groin and quads are getting super sore and start to walk. Damn, I broke rule #4. I’m instantly regretting that I walked, my groin and quads hurt more now. I just need to power through two and half more miles.

Mile 6

Man, my groin really hurts. I hope I’m going to be able to walk tomorrow. At least there aren’t a bunch of people walking and I can keep a consistent pace the rest of the way. A guy in a tutu just passed me, but he’s way too fast. I’m just going to assume he’s a runner (Rule #1). I see mile marker 6, only one and half to go.

Mile 7

I see the field where Hardly Strictly is every year. I zone out again thinking about my cousin’s band, The Lil Smokies, and if I’ll be able to catch one of their shows this year. I snap out of my daze turning a corner where a bunch of people are banging some island drums. I see mile marker 7, only half a mile to go. Should I pick up the pace? Nah, I’ve come this far, better just finish.

Finish

I can see a large screen on the beach recording everyone as they make the last turn to the finish line. Oh god, I haven’t been paying attention. Are my nipples bleeding? Thank god they’re not, that would be embarrassing. I guess I can pick up the pace for the last 100yds.

Shelley and I pass the finish line, high five to a completed race, and beeline it for the food. Apparently times have changed since the last time I’ve run at an event. Instead of bananas, they have boxed water and chips for us.

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Shelley and I ended up finish in 1:25:50, which amounts to an 11 min 25 sec mile pace. I was a little disappointed, but considering I didn’t train at all for this run, I’ll take it.